Essays For West Point Application

 

This is the time of year when my former students drop me emails letting me know where they have been accepted for the fall.

I love hearing from them, and am emboldened by how many land in their dream schools.

And I usually ask if I can share their essays with future students.

In my opinion, there’s no better way to learn how to write your own than by reading sample college application essays.

Are you just starting this dreaded process?

If you’re a high school junior, you are wise to start thinking about your essay.

At least start learning what makes a great college application essay and brainstorming your own ideas.

By reading sample college application essays, you can see the type of “slice-of-life” essays that usually start with anecdotes to power their pieces.

Notice the everyday topics and the less formal style of these essays.

Below are two terrific essays by students who just sent me emails this last month letting me know where they are heading this fall.

Believe it or not, they were where you are now one year ago, stressing about their college application essays and wondering whether they could find that special topic and write an effective essay.

Both these students were very focused in their college searches, and put in the time and energy to brainstorm great topics and work on their rough drafts. And it shows.

 

 

They also trusted my advice to share a story in their college application essays.

Instead of writing about impressive achievements and accomplishments, they stuck with simple, everyday experiences to illustrate their personal qualities.

Above all, they got personal.

If you do the same, you, too, will be receiving acceptance letters from amazing colleges and universities about this same time next year.

Here are two sample college application essays from former students from last year.

The first was written by Hannah Metzler, who got accepted to 13 of the 14 college and universities she applied to (including University of Pittsburgh and Loyola University of Maryland), and is excited to be attending the University of Scranton next year to study neuroscience.

The second was written by Andrew Aldaz, who received a full 4-year ROTC scholarship to UCLA, USC, and UCI, along with an appointment to the United States Military Academy at West Point. He is thrilled to be headed to West Point.

Two Sample Essay College Application Essays:

The Party
By: Hannah Metzler
Exton, PA
(Submitted for The Common Application)

 

While bringing out the orders for my party of six, I set down a cup of soup in front of one of the women. Virginia glanced down at the clam chowder, and then scowled up at me.

“Hannah, I asked for a half cup of soup,” she said, sounding as if the world was ending. “You are always so slow. I don’t know how you always mess up our orders.”

I politely mumbled an apology, hoping the rest of her group did not notice how upset I was or how personally I took her comment. It was only a cup of soup, and an honest mistake, but I felt like such a disaster.

Residents at the high-end senior living facility where I waited tables several nights a week expected nothing less than a five-star dining experience and my small mistake was not to be tolerated.

When I first started working at Shannondell last summer, I was already shy and couldn’t stand the idea that someone didn’t like me. Early on, when residents would scold or criticize me, I felt like crawling under a rock. Even when I clearly was in the right, I would bite my lip and try harder to please them.

The most difficult guests by far were a group of six well-heeled women who the servers nicknamed “The Party.” They came in every night, dressed to the nines, decked with diamonds and attitude. As the staff stood by the podium waiting for residents to arrive, every server in line prayed that the hostess would not call out their name.

At first, “The Party” seemed friendly. They seemed to want to get to know me personally, compared to the other residents who would barely say anything at all. But this was all for show. They were rude and demanding. Special orders were a daily occurrence: a rare end piece of prime rib or a chicken Caesar salad without lettuce. They snapped their fingers and tapped their silverware on glasses to get my attention. I would leave the dining room distraught almost every night.

Senior residents, in general, had a difficult time making a decision, either figuring out what to order or sometimes forgetting what they had ordered once it arrived. I used to get annoyed because twenty minutes to take a dessert order seemed excessive and unnecessary. With experience, though, I’m learning patience and compassion.

It must be very difficult for residents to feel as though they were losing their independence. They used to be able to get around easily, but many of them were pushing walkers or confined to wheelchairs. I realized that many cared for others their whole lives and now it was hard to accept others caring for them.

Somehow those rough nights started to change me. Without really trying, I have become more outgoing and self-assured. The residents depend on me and my “confident” smile. Some days, I’m the one person with whom they can share stories of their past. I used to have trouble speaking in front of a group and would be shy when I did. Now, I have no problem walking up to a table of fourteen people and making conversation as if I had known them my whole life.

I give credit to “The Party” for putting me in a situation where I had no choice but to smile and carry on. I know now that not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that, while I will always treat people with respect and dignity, their behavior toward me may be more about their own personal circumstances rather than anything I have done. Today, when I see “The Party” being seated in my section, I still flinch a little inside, but then I pull back my shoulders, lift my chin and march up to them ask, “What’s it going to be today, ladies.”

 

Proud to Be Humble
By Andrew Aldaz
Rancho Cucamonga, CA
(personal statement essay for University of California)

 

During a Gestalt-type exercise in my psychology class, it was my turn on the infamous hot seat. After sitting in the chair in the center of the room, my teacher and peers started firing away with questions.

“What is your GPA?”

“What do you do for fun?”
“ What do you want to do after high school?”
“What did you do this past summer?”

I responded to each question with simple, straightforward answers, thinking it was a breeze.

Then I had heard someone shout from the back of the room, “So you think you’re perfect?”

I was puzzled. I felt blood rush to my face and I broke into a sweat. The second it took for me to respond felt like an eternity.

“Of course not,” I replied.

Thoughts raced through my mind as I returned to my seat.

“Why would anyone be under the impression that I was perfect or that I would ever see myself as such?” I thought to myself.

The last thing I wanted was for someone to think that I was full of myself. I was mortified. I realized later that I had come off as somewhat egotistical or self-centered because I had shared my long list of extra-curricular activities, academic performance, and hopes for the future. Even though I knew this was not at all the case, I felt ashamed.

Humility was the quality within myself that I cherished the most. I understood that I may have accomplished a great deal and maintain high goals for my future, but I did not want to be seen as boastful or overly proud in any way. Ever! That day, on the hot seat, I knew that I would need to work harder to exude those qualities of meekness and servility which I strive for.

Every year since I was five years old, my father had taken me to the annual air show in Mirimar, California. The first time I attended the air show I had seen service members of different branches; in each of them I had seen one thing that will be carried on with me for the rest of my life. Humility. These men and women, deemed heroes by society, sought no recognition for their sacrifice and willingness to serve.

Attending these air shows not only pushed me to be humble and serve my nation as these men and women had, but also helped me realize there were plenty of other devoted service members within our society, such as policemen, firemen, and politicians. In high school, I also had seen this numerous times with the judges and lawyers I interacted with as I helped struggling teens in Youth Court, and when I befriended those involved in state politics while I interned for Senator Mike Morrell.

The truth is I’ve been extremely lucky, but I have jumped at every opportunity that has been available to me. Whether taking college courses, working in state politics, or playing for a sports team in a winning season, this should not make me any better than anyone else. I just wish to be as successful as possible while serving my nation to the best of my abilities and staying humble in all that I do, no matter where life may take me. While I can’t help but aim for perfection in all that I do, I hope to maintain that glorious face of humble pride.

* * * * *

What Did You Think of These Sample College Application Essays?

Did you like them?

Yes?

Well, that’s most likely what the admissions officers felt as well. And what you want to emulate in your own essay.

Like Hannah and Andrew, trust your real-life stories!

By sharing a small moment or incident from their past, each student went on to develop their essay to give a sense of who they are, how they think and feel, and what they value.

This is exactly what you want to do with your essay to connect with the college admissions officers, and make a meaningful and memorable impression.

Everything you need to learn how to write your own narrative style essay is in this blog.

If you want to learn about my proven writing methods in a more digestible package, check out my writing guides and online course.

You can read 50 real-life sample college application essays in my collection, called Heavenly Essays.

Good luck, and congratulations on getting an early start!

 

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Hey all, so I am applying to West Point and this particular essay is for a nomination from my states senator and i'll be sending it to my representitive as well. For all who don't know West Point requires a nomination in order for you to even be considered able to be offered admission. This is pretty much where the brunt of competitivness is because you are competing with those in your congressional district for one nomination. This makes it easier or harder depending on where you live to get into a service acadamy.

To the essay

Prompt - Why do you want to attend a service acadamy?

Limit - 500 words (though for the senator the limit is 3500 char.)

There are many things that make a service academy a great opportunity. To many when the word "free" is uttered about any of the academies people's ears perk up and heads turn. Many others are attracted to the academies because they want to become officers in the Military and either don't know about ROTC or think that it is of lower value compared to a commission from per say West Point. For the majority however, the calling of Duty, Honor, Country is one we seek to answer as well as the opportunity to continue our education at an institution whose goal everyday is to inspire you to be a leader of character.

I have been interested in West Point specifically for a very long time. I grew up the son of an army warrant officer and since I was able to understand what it stands for I have loved the military. The lessons of honesty and integrity were ingrained in me from an early age and have since become the core values that guide me in life. Among these values lies a growing hunger for knowledge; a hunger that I have gone so far as to leave my hometown and attend a selective public school dedicated to education at the highest standard. The Alabama School of Math and Science has been a exceptionally unique education, not only in my studies, but in maturity and independence. I have been drawn to West Point because it is exactly where I need to be in order to continue on my goal of being a leader and scholar.

Many are drawn to West Point, not only because it's name is synonymous with greatness, but because the word free is so often used to describe it's education. West Point is by no means free. In return for one of the best educations in the country, a commitment of active duty service is required. Now that may deter many from completing their applications but I look forward to those years if I get accepted. I have always wanted to serve my country and West Point is the perfect opportunity for me to get an education and training for the job I have always wanted.

The call of Duty, Honor, Country is one I do not take lightly. The opportunity presented by West Point and the other service academies is not for everyone. However I know that I belong at West Point and I hope to not only prove myself during the decision process, but to continue to prove and improve myself long after.

I took time to see if i couldn't rewrite this to see if I couldn't get my own personality through and to make this stand out a bit so here it is. (btw, thank you digeridoo for offereing advice!)

I'm running along a stone path flanked by beautiful great green lawns towards an awe-inspiring stoney castle, not that I had a chance to admire. Little did I know I had made my first mistake days ago when choosing which bag to take with me on my flight. One of my father's old military sacks to store all of my belongings, I was cursing myself every step for not bringing a suitcase like seemingly everyone else. After the long run in sunday dress I quickly dropped my bag beside me in the lane indicated with camo tape. Taking a breath I stared straight through the sergeant standing in front of me who was in my face trying to get me to crack a smile. After he turned his back I let a small grin flash for a second, I couldn't believe where I was. That was my first introduction to West Point and the beginning of one of the best weeks of my life. Attending the Summer Leadership Experience was an honor that I barely had time to register while there. It was like living a dream, a very regimented, fast-paced, and competitive dream surrounded by people who were as competitive and driven as they were vastly different and refreshing.

Competitive and driven individuals were one of the major reasons I came to the Alabama School of Math and Science. The short of it is my old school didn't have the dedication to learning nor the challenging classes that I desired. A boarding school centered around the teaching of university level courses where you were also challenged to be an independent and active individual was all I needed to know. The day of my interview I was on my way home when it dawned on me what attending would mean. Three years later the experiences I have had at ASMS have made me grow from a kid interested in learning to a young man who desires greater challenge in university and the same feeling that a community of like minded, driven, and intelligent individuals gives you.

I have felt for a long time that the university that answered my call of challenge and community is West Point. I heard about the school from my father and the people he worked with as a CW4 at fort Rucker, and since then I have chased after every bit of information that I could regarding it's existence and the path to getting accepted. After experiencing all that SLE had to offer, from the academic lectures, PT and field exercises to the people that are going through everything you are, I have gone from thinking I will love West Point to knowing I do. The opportunity presented by West Point and the other service academies is not for everyone. However,I know that I belong at West Point and I hope to not only prove myself during the decision process, but to continue to prove and improve myself long after.

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